It's been awhile.
A lot has happened since I sat down to type out my thoughts to the internet.
A lot has changed.
Lately, I have been seeing memories pop up of my old blog posts, now like 2 years ago, time is so weird. I have avoided reading them, like the plague or COVID-19 I should say. I knew a lot of my old post would not resonate with who I am now and be some what Tony Robbins-y and that is cringey enough to want to delete this website entirely. But as I think about how I don't fully align with the words I wrote in the past, it really made me take a step back and think about why I am feeling this way.....
You see, 2019 me was in a horribly toxic work place but the introvert side of me was thriving as I worked from home, got into a healthy exercise routine, ate clean and got to snuggle pups all day working remote. I was motivated to share with the world the transformative thoughts I was experiencing while really diving into self help books. Once I dedicated time during the week to write down words that I was feeling I grew to have this unhealthy idea that it was my job to fix everyone. That all the things I did wrong, could have avoided, etc. made it my job to help others avoid it. Well, sitting here I still resonate with that but working through what that looks like in a healthy way.. anyway...
I felt this underlying pressure that people were waiting/needing my encouraging words (ew that sounds cocky), but its true. I had established a small following of people who really seemed to relate and gain new perspective and outlooks on their situations and I loved that. I LOVE helping people not feel alone. But then eventually, with the weight of my life situations, I just had ZERO mental space to hold for anyone because I wasn't even holding any for myself.
Here we are, 2 years later and honestly I am not in a place mentally to come back here in the same presence I was in 2019-2020, and I am here to say, now I know that that is okay. It okay for me to show up for myself. I created this perfect place for people to feel like I have answers or ways to help them move through rocky things and I am letting go of that responsibility. After all, those intentions are no good if I am just playing the role of fixer for others. So all of this to say what? Blah Blah get to the point Paige, I know...
Sometimes you feel like shit and sometimes you are just making it day by day because the weight of finally healing is HEAVY SHIT (and that is okay). You can go through times where you are mentally really well and then hit hard spots (and that is okay). It does not mean you were ever fake or not real or creating a false narrative to portray to the world, that is just how healing works.
Healing is hard.
Healing is accepting that what you went through was not good and it is okay to not be grateful for the trauma you endured but to rather see how you heal/grow from it instead.
Healing is having really good days and really bad days that are not linear.
Healing is showing up for yourself.
Healing is nurturing your inner child.
Healing is letting go of unhealthy relationships (this is unexplainably hard).
Healing is counseling.
Healing is boundaries.
Healing is allowing yourself the space to feel your feelings.
Your feelings are valid and I am sorry if I have ever posted or written something to invalidate your feelings and/or experiences. That was never my intentions, so to say that I am "back" at The Flourishing Mind - ehhhhhh, but I know I will now show up here, being my authentic self and sharing my truth and you should too. This is a safe space. Now for me AND you.
Show up for yourself, you deserve it.
Speak your truth, you deserve it.
Feel your feelings, you deserve it.
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